So Joe just acted like a bit of a dick, which happens from time to time. Thing weird thing about when joe is being a twat is that he seems to think it's not a big deal, and even thinks it's funny. Normally he's great, but occasionally... it gets to me. We were watching a movie and I was bundled up in my blanket with my ice pack on my knee since it was feeling sore from a day of cleaning. He got up to go to bed, and I asked for the remote. He refused to give it to me (out of some half joking attempt at defiance that comes out of him sometimes...) I asked for a hug goodnight. Normally, I go upstairs and hug him and tuck him in and say goodnight before coming downstairs for a while. Well I was quite comfortable and don't want to move, so I asked for a hug goodnight instead. He completely ignored me, I think he though I was joking or that I was just nagging him to be annoying. He proceeded to say something to me from up over the overlook. Then he threw something at me and it hit me in the nose. That part made me particularly pissed. Yea ok, I get it, you want to be funny and silly, but it's fucking 11:20 and I'm obviously not in the mood for your childish defiance when I just asked you to show me some affection and you just refused. I should also note that he kept giving me these weird frowns all evening, which usually indicates that he wants to have sex and I'm not instigating it, and he's upset. It's not subtle, and it's not attractive. No, I'm not going to fucking blow you because you're glaring at me like I did something wrong. Also, It's not the manliest thing in the world to look sad and pathetic because you're not getting sex. I think the whole not hugging me thing was some weird revenge attempt. After getting hit in the nose I started crying. I'm not sure why, I have a habit of crying when I'm really angry so that may have been it, it's not like it hurt, it mainly just tipped me over, I was ok with the bullshit he was pulling already but hitting me in the fucking face is a little more than annoying. He apologized and came downsstairs and started looking for what he threw at me. I asked for a hug again and he still ignored me, and I started crying. He was all confused, and I barked out an explanation for why I was upset. Finally, he gave me a hug. Then he found what he was looking for, which was a small plastic fist from our Dante figurine. I would have found it hilarious if he wasn't being such an asshole.
I love Joe, and really 95% of the time he's nice, funny, energetic and is always surprising me and being romantic, but when he decides to be silly, and particularly when he attempts to hint at sex rather poorly, it really pisses me the fuck off.
There's something else too. Joe and I's sex life has gotten a little stale, and he seems to think it's because we're not having sex enough. I rarely finish when we do, and generally it's the same position, same thing every time. Everytime i bring up getting toys or things to help me finish and bringing them into the bedroom, he acts completely indifferent. I'm sorry but indifference does affect me. It doesn't say "I don't care, whatever works for you is fine" it says "I'm not interested enough to say anything either way, if you bring it in, I'll act the exact same, which will probably ruin the experience." He makes no effort to do anything about it, because he's getting what he wants. It's frustrating.
ANYWAY! I suppose onto complaining about other things. I have one friend here, Sam Frazier, and she's starting to drive me nuts. Yesterday, I had the two test prints for the Welcome Home banner printed for the sub, and I decided to walk over there and show her and her friend Leilani the prints. When I got there, I came in to find her and leilani on their laptops. Leilani was browsing facebook, and Sam was playing the Sims 3. I showed them both the prints, which they said they liked and looked at briefly before turning back to their activities. I tried to make some small talk by asking them how it was to be back in contact with their loved ones on the submarine again. They each gave a brief summary of their happiness. Then, the conversation went to what it usually goes to, weight loss and hiking. This doesn't sound bad, I'm very healthy and I love living a healthy lifestyle. I also like hiking probably more than the two of them combined. I think that's the problem. Hiking is something I'm very passionate about, and with my knee injury, I can't go hiking until I see my doctor again. I've mentioned to Sam on multiple occasions that I don't like talking about hiking because it's become kind of a sore subject for me. I crave it intensely, and hearing about other people's hiking trips kind of bums me out. Not only did they decide to tell me in detail about their trip to a loop hiking trail with waterfalls, but Sam kept insisting that I take kelly to diamond head when she gets here. I told her I couldn't because of my knee, and she's like "oh yea right. Well it only took us about an hour to do it last time, or maybe even 40 minutes." I said "oh well that's not far at all, maybe I will go." to which she replied, "Oh well it's really hard, all the steps make it a real challenge so maybe you coudln't handle it." That statment really fucking annoyed me. First of all, which is it!? is it super easy and I should do it? Or is it too hard for me? Second of all, when i do start to get annoyed with people I start reading them, which is a bad habit but I can't help it. I'm very perceptive, and my perceptions of sam are getting worse. I think the reason she jumped to say that it was hard is because she's still new to physcial fitness and being a very active, proactive person. I think she's very concerned with looking tough and proving herself. That quality can be very annoying when you talk about fitness because she'll start to ramble about things she's done with a nervous energy fueled "I have to prove to you that I'm a tough girl." It's kind of childish in so many ways. I hike because I love it. When I'm on the trail everything melts away. I really don't care if someone jogs past me, and I really don't care if I hike past people, I'm just in love with the experience. Having someone who is so concerned with difficulty level and the skill of the accomplishment is kind of hard to deal with. It's not on the same page as I am.
So aside from her ignoring my sensitivities, she is extermely self concerned in conversation. I tried to mention that I just finished all of my schoolwork, only to have her quickly change the subject back to her husband and being able to talk to him.
It's getting very hard to ignore. Little things have been bulding up and she's starting to seriously get on my nerves. I don't see much of a choice, but to distance myself from her, and try to be completely honest when I'm around her. If I stop politely laughing at Leilani's stupid fucking old ass video finds that aren't funny and stop smiling when Sam tries to engage me in hiking stories, maybe they'll finally get the hint that I don't find them as amusing as they find themselves.
Maybe I'm just meant to be a loner. I find most women extremely catty, annoying, and self centered. They live in their fucking heads and can't figure out how to participate properly in a conversation, and what is the FUCKING DEAL with their horrible sense of humor? Kelly has an odd sense of humor, but I get it and it's funny, it's just a little dry. Sam and Leilani laugh at the fucking stupidest shit. OMG a women thinks her computer is a typewriter because she's old, so she pushes her computer off the table. Let's watch it FIVE MORE TIMES! What is the deal?
And I can't make friends with guys. It's socially awkward always because I'm not hideous and most men, even awesome funny great ones seem to think I would only hang out with them if I were sexually interested in them. Sadly some women think this too, especially when I tell them I'm bisexual. THAT's happened a couple times and it's horribly awkward. Guys are weird though. I really love the guy friends I have, I hold very high value in them, they're absolutely fun to hang out with, and seem to like hanging out with me. However, I've either met them through Joe, or they know me well enough that they understand how close Joe and I are. If I tried to make friends with a guy, it just doesn't work. I hate the social standard when it comes to that. I want to make new friends that fit me, that I can hang out with, but it would be a miracle if I found a tolerable girl to hang out with. Bleh.
At least kelly's coming. When she first mentioned it, I was exteremely anxious and actually felt a little ill. I wasn't sure if I really wanted her here. Now that it's in my head though, I'm very excited. I think all the bitch drama and dealing with more "average" and normal women skewed my memory of kelly. Yes kelly is girly in some aspects and she's nowhere near as fit as I am, but she never lets that get in the way, and she's always understanding. She's a great listener, she's very creative and artistic just like me, and she knows how to just hang out. She'll hike with me knowing she'll have to keep up, she'll make jokes I'll find funny and she'll go to the pool with me knowing that I'll probably have more fun than her. She'll marvel at the japanese culture like I do, which other people don't and she'll be excited to see the manga and comic shops. She'll share my art table with me and draw when I draw. She'll make a mix collection of our music combined. She's just a great friend. She fits me, she always has. We're very different now, and there will probably be instances where we figure out how to make dinner with no tomatoes cuz she doesn't like them, or how to spread out the day because she has less stamina than me, or how to come home early so joe and I can watch game of thrones, but we never really care, and if we do, we say something. She's really the only female friend who I know won't give me attitude if I laugh at her. Her ego, unlike 90% of the population, is smaller than her real personality.
I am starting to feel that the more people I meet, the more I realize how different from the majority of american society I really am. I definitely prefer my choices, and the way I treat people over other people's tendencies, but I am the minority. I'm a true tomboy, and that's not a good thing. sometimes it serves me well, because I listen, I like debate, I love physical activity because it's fun, not because I'm looking to impress anyone, and I always do what I love no matter what people think of me. On the other hand, I'm sloppy, I have childish clothing which include many wolverine and avengers T-shirts, and I have a wicked temper when it comes to societal standards. I'm weird, I don't belong in the society I've found myself in here on Oahu so far. Unfortunately, I have to take some actions I can't quite take to find the women I really want to be around. If I start surfing, and swimming more seriously, I may find some athletes who will practice with me, some hikers who will go on the 20+ mile hikes with me. But I'm not there yet, my knee still needs to heal, so those friendships will have to wait for me. I don't belong with the other Navy wives. I do what I need to for my husband, but really, I'm not a navy wife. I'm a different breed from these people. I need to find a way out. I'll have to look a little harder.
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